No Pudd’nhead

A few weeks ago, while waiting for a flight at Midway, I happened to sit next to an elderly gentleman with curly white hair and a drooping white mustache. He wore a rumpled white suit which gave off the scent of a box of stale cigars. He said he was catching a flight to Hannibal, Missouri. I knew right away that he was a St. Louis Cardinals fan. Under his suit jacket, he wore a red t-shirt depicting a cardinal whitewashing the ivy at Wrigley Field. He introduced himself as Mark.

We started talking about the rivalry between the Cardinals and the Cubs. He said Chicago “is where they are always rubbing the lamp, and fetching up the genie, and contriving and achieving new impossibilities.” I defended our city’s ball clubs as superior to his redbirds, but once he learned that I was a judge, instantly his eyes widened and he grinned as if he had just caught a huge bullfrog. I wrote down everything he said next, every word is his, with a few minor edits.

Mark: “The more I see of lawyers, the more I despise them. They seem to be natural born cowards, and on top of that they are God damned idiots. I suppose my lawyers are above average; and yet it would be base flattery to say that their heads contain anything more valuable than can be found in a new tripe. If we had as many preachers as lawyers, you would find it mixed as to which occupation could muster the most rascals.”

MBH: A sore subject?

Mark: “Like the weather–everybody talks about the legal profession, but nobody does anything about it. I say a good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.” He flashed a smile, and glanced around. “Lawyers are like other people–fools on the average; but it is easier for an ass to succeed in that trade than any other. To succeed in other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.”

MBH: You should be more open minded about lawyers.

Mark: “An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it.”

MBH: Then, at least, try not to speak so ill of lawyers.

Mark: “Ah, well, I have been an author for years and an ass for 55.”

MBH: I recall that you studied law.

Mark: “I had studied law an entire week, and then given it up because it was so prosy and tiresome. I was sorry my Aunt Mary thought I intended to study law. In my mind, that is proof positive that her excellent judgment erred one time. I did not love the law. Anyway, I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.”

MBH: Wasn’t your father, John Marshall Clemens, a self-educated lawyer?

Mark: “It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.”

MBH: And your oldest brother, Orion, practiced law, even studied under Edward Bates who served as attorney general for President Lincoln.

Mark: “Orion was as good and ridiculous a soul as ever was. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

MBH: Whatever you may think of lawyers, law gives shape and substance to society.

Mark: “In this topsy-turvy, crazy, illogical world, Man has made laws for himself. He has fenced himself round with them, mainly with the idea of keeping communities together, and gain for the strongest. No woman was consulted in the making of laws. And nine-tenths of the people who are daily obeying–or fighting against–Nature’s laws, have no real opinion.” Mark sighed, and shook his head. “It would not be possible for Noah to do in our day what he was permitted to do in his own. The inspector would come and examine the Ark, and make all sorts of objections.”

MBH: After that, I’m reluctant to ask about jury trials.

Mark: “I believe the jury system puts a ban upon intelligence and honesty, and a premium upon ignorance, stupidity, and perjury. The jury is the most ingenious and infallible agency for defeating justice that wisdom could contrive.” He paused to check the time on his pocketwatch, and continued. “Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, having never seen a palladium, but it is a good thing no doubt at any rate.”

MBH: I don’t know what a palladium is either. What have you to say about our system of jury trials in criminal cases?

Mark: “It is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding 12 people every day who don’t know anything and can’t read. And I may observe that we have an insanity plea that would have saved Cain.”

MBH: How about some advice for lawyers, if I dare ask.

Mark: “Realize that the edifice of public justice is built of precedents, from the ground upward; but also realize that all the other details of our civilization are likewise built of precedents.”

MBH: Interesting.

Mark: “People forget that no man is all humor, just as they fail to remember that every man is a humorist.” His manner turned serious. “It is a worthy thing to fight for one’s freedom; it is another sight finer to fight for another’s.”

MBH: Let me ask about a favorite topic of yours—politicians.

Mark: “Imagine, if you will, that I am an idiot. Then, imagine that I am also a Congressman. But, alas, I repeat myself. Our lives, our liberty, and our property are never in greater danger than when Congress is in session.”

MBH: A lot of Americans might agree with you.

Mark: “Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.”

MBH: Washington seems to be in one bad fix today.

Mark: “There is something good and motherly about Washington, the grand old benevolent National Asylum for the Helpless.”

MBH: Your plane has started boarding. I truly enjoyed our few minutes together. Despite what people might say, you’re no pudd’nhead!

Mark: “Compliments make me vain; and when I am vain, I am insolent and overbearing. It is a pity, too, because I love compliments.”

Mark stood up and, with a hint of sadness, looked directly at me. “Remember, Judge—my kind of loyalty was to one’s country, not to its institutions or its officeholders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death.”

As I watched Mark disappear into the jetway, I noticed a copy of the U.S. Constitution peeking out of his carry-on.

 

Rehearing:

“The rain…falls upon the just and the unjust alike; a thing which would not happen if I were superintending the rain’s affairs. No, I would rain softly and sweetly on the just, but if I caught a sample of the unjust outdoors I would drown him.”

–Mark Twain 